Trigger Warnings: Pregnancy, Birth Mentioned, Medical, Misgendering, Deadnaming
to live with a female body;
it would have been fine!
if only that body
happened to be mine
For the hundredth time since he had arrived at the A&E he heard the resounding “she” in regards to himself.
He wasn’t sure which was worse. The crippling bands of tightening around his stomach. Or the onset of nausea the word brought on as it made him painfully aware of his assigned birth gender.
“Miss... Cara Lockhart, is that you?”
“Whaa... no. Wait, yes.” The words fumbled from his lips and into the air like smoke or poison.
“Ethan,” he corrected. “My name...”
Pain, again. This seemed like it would never end.
“Oh fucking hell,”
The nurse examined the chart and back at him. “But... it says Cara on the intake forms.”
This was not the moment he wanted to correct someone on his name.
The name change was in progress but his legal documents still displayed the deadname he abandoned ages ago.
“My name is Ethan.” He mumbled when the pain subsided.
God, where was Holden when he needed him?
At this point he might even welcome his parents there. Anyone with a familiar face.
A confused look spread across the nurse’s face as a team of 3 others joined the side of the gurney.
“No worries, sir.” The male nurse shot a glare at the nurse as he emphasized the word sir.
“We will take good care of you Ethan.”
Ethan watched as the new nurse made a note on the chart.
Doctors and nurses moved about the room with monitors and lines to attach to him.
Everything seemed to happen so quickly that he wasn’t sure what was going on.
It wasn’t until he heard the familiar sound of his best friend’s voice echoing down the hallway that he began to understand.
“That’s my best friend in there!” The voice shouted and a smile spread on Ethan’s face as he listened.
After what seemed like forever the curtain pushed back and in came the one person he knew would always have his back.
“The nurse refused to let me back. Something about not being family. I said, listen woman, if anyone is his family it’ll be me.”
Ethan watched the way the smile played across Holden’s face as he explained what had happened in the lobby. “... so I guess they didn’t want a fight or something. They finally let me back.”
More pain had hit as Holden spoke, drawing in Ethan’s attention again.
He reached for his best friend’s hand and this time he was there.
The midwife gave a grin and nodded towards the nurse next to her.
“This baby’ll be here any moment now I think. Miss.” Again with the miss and ma’am.
“It’s sir you kumquat. If you don’t get it right I’ll file a report.”
If it weren’t for the new wave of contractions Ethan might have responded to Holden’s threat with a laugh. But he was focusing on breathing through the pain.
Hours had passed until finally a cry was heard through the room.
First soft. Then louder and more prominent.
“Congratulations Sir. You have a daughter.”
A wiggly and wet baby was handed to him and he felt a wave of emotions as he looked at her.
Completely unexpected, but perfectly welcomed.
Words were failing him as he stared at the tiny baby and held onto her fingers.
Holden beamed like the proudest uncle a kid had ever been given.
“Evelyn...” Ethan finally said with almost a whisper. “Sweet Evelyn.”
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